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What Does "Normal" Even Mean?

I am writing tonight in anticipation for what will hopefully be my last ever chemotherapy tomorrow. I am ecstatic however, not looking forward to my “chemover” (like a hangover but caused by chemo rather than alcohol and 10000000x worse). It has been a very fast six-month treatment plan and I have been extremely fortunate to only be hospitalised twice throughout my treatment. Having to miss out on plans due to the risk of infection being too high has been extremely tough however I think I’ve done pretty well to be active and lead a normal life as much as I possibly can. Now my treatment is coming to an end and many people have told me “once it’s over everything will go back to normal” however what even is normal now? Being diagnosed with cancer has completely changed my outlook on life and I was already going through a huge transition in my life of leaving high school, so I can’t go back to what I knew as normal before I was diagnosed. During what will hopefully of been my LAST EVER pre chemo assessment today I was discussing this with my nurse and her response was “you can go create a new normal” and I think that puts it great, I wish my life never to be normal again and I now strive to make it a memorable one as I have in some sort of twisted way been handed a second chance whilst faced with a disease which could’ve killed me. I have to remember that after tomorrow I will still be weak, out of breath walking upstairs and often have muscle aches however to improve this I just have to slowly get my fitness back up to scratch and give my body time to heal after being pumped full of toxic drugs for a total of around 42 hours over the past few months. I will still have regular appointments with my oncologist and these will gradually get less and less over a five-year period as after my scan confirms I am in remission I will not be considered “cured” for another five years and these next five years is when my cancer is most likely to come back. I certainly hope it doesn’t however it is probably my biggest fear after treatment finishes. I guess if I can beat it once I can beat it again If it ever came to it. I still have my hair, well most of it, I could make you a new born kitten out of the hair that falls out daily on to my brush, in the plug hole, on my lap or on my clothes. However, I am extremely lucky to even have a strand on my head as I really should’ve lost it all. I think back to when I got told I had cancer and the very first thing I said was “will I lose my hair” and now I’ve lost 30 cm (to a great cause) and its rather thin but thinking back, I am pretty chuffed to have what I’ve got left. I will update again soon with pictures of me ringing the bell and the all-important scan results which will be in a few weeks’ time. Until then thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog whether it has been from the start or not.


All my love,

Nicole x


LAST EVER PRE CHEMO



The nasty aftermath of vein burn having to submerge both arms in warm water to ease the pain.


The amazing Iain (Mr Mcallister) before his bungee jump for TCT

CHEMO 11

meeting one of my fave bands ever The Academic





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