Freedom

On the day of my discharge I woke up and all of a sudden, I was grinning from ear to ear. I rushed to get my phone and text my dad who would normally be sitting waiting on me waking up to say the swelling in my neck had already went down. This was one of the highest points I have felt in a long time however I was sitting buzzing by myself at 6 in the morning given it was far too early for anyone to be with me. This gave me time to think, often in hospital I was never alone. I was grateful for this as being surrounded by support constantly is what I needed at that time however after leaving hospital the first few days were just as hectic. I started to drive again and slowly get back to normality which felt great having that little bit of space as if nothing was wrong. Every single visitor I had I was extremely grateful for because I know it is hard for a lot of people, some visitors were more upset than I was! But as my mum said there will be no tears in this house. I feel there is a stigma around cancer patients and I think most people expect to walk in and see you sitting bald and looking extremely ill, whereas you wouldn’t be able to tell I was ill if I didn’t struggle to stand for a long time or have a lump in my neck which is reducing in size daily. I’m not too sure if I wasn’t upset because it hasn’t really sunk in how ill I am yet, I admitted this in hospital and said I don’t think it will until I start to lose my hair. However, each day it slowly gets bitterly real. I have a few group chats on mute because I hate the daily reminder of holidays that I can no longer go on or work that I can no longer attend at the moment. Everyone says you will make up for it next year, but this was my year, this was my summer of a life time. I think frustration is extremely hard to deal with because unlike other situations I have no one to blame. When I got told I had cancer I asked what I had done? And in simple terms myself nor anyone else has caused this, it wasn’t the food I ate or the lifestyle I lived. I can’t be angry at anyone and that has made it extremely hard to come to terms with my diagnosis. I’m not scared, but there are scary times and I’m not sad, but there are sad days.